Fat Tuesday Sick Day
One of the lucky things about being me is that I inherited my dad's family sinus issues. This time of year, when the flowers just begin peeking out to see if the weather is warm enough to hang out for an extended period of time, is the time when my sinuses decide to rebel and punish me for craving the warmth and colors of spring. I'm sure that this year, my sinuses are just confused. How could they not be. One day, I'm able to walk outside in short sleeves and absorb the sunshine. The very next, the drizzle is freezing as we drive to work and school. My system has to make a vital decision:
Do the sinuses attack now or wait till spring break (a month away). I believe that they were tricked on Sunday when I spent the afternoon outside with Amanda. They believed that it was actually spring break. I believe this because yesterday, I came home with a stomach that was doing a live re-enactment of the North Sea on the night the Titanic sank (without the ship or the iceberg).
Do the sinuses attack now or wait till spring break (a month away). I believe that they were tricked on Sunday when I spent the afternoon outside with Amanda. They believed that it was actually spring break. I believe this because yesterday, I came home with a stomach that was doing a live re-enactment of the North Sea on the night the Titanic sank (without the ship or the iceberg).
You see, my sinuses often don't act in the way sinuses should act. They don't drain down the proper channel of drainage for most human beings (ie the nose). Ok, sometimes that happens, but for the last few years, that has not been the case. Instead, I get several headaches that range from mildly disturbing to what I call screaming (mildly disturbing = my head hurts, but I can push through and continue being my usual quirky self; screaming = my head hurts so badly that not only do I want to scream, but all the characters in my head want to scream too). After that, my digestive system becomes an angry sea of pain because my sinuses drain down my throat and into my stomach.
This is a bit upsetting because it is Fat Tuesday and/or National Pancake Day. I would like to be eating pancakes or King cake or any sort of cake today. Looks like I will end up having to let that idea go for now. Actually, I plan to sneak a slice of my mom's strawberry chiffon cake (from scratch) a little later. We'll see if I can hold it down.
For those of you who are unfamiliar with Fat Tuesday, let me first, share this link to explain the day better. For a long time, I didn't know what it, mostly because I was raised Southern Baptist, and they don't really pay much attention to the church calendar, especially if it is connected to the Roman Catholic Church. I didn't really learn much about Lent, Fat Tuesday, or Ash Wednesday (I LOVE Ash Wednesday) till I was an adult.
For those of you who are unfamiliar with Fat Tuesday, let me first, share this link to explain the day better. For a long time, I didn't know what it, mostly because I was raised Southern Baptist, and they don't really pay much attention to the church calendar, especially if it is connected to the Roman Catholic Church. I didn't really learn much about Lent, Fat Tuesday, or Ash Wednesday (I LOVE Ash Wednesday) till I was an adult.
Although I am not Catholic, I still am fascinated with this entire part of the church calendar. Entire groups of people choose to find things that will help them focus and refocus how they connect with the Deity. They do these things (or don't do these things) for the forty days that make up Lent. It feels like a very up-close-and-personal time to me. Purposeful choices are made and followed through on in a way that these same people won't do for New Year's resolutions.
Meditation
Something I tried today as a way to explore what I might choose to do (or not do) for Lent was meditation. I found this really great website called DoYogawithMe. It is a free website with videos that show you how to do yoga as well as videos that teach you the basics of breathing and meditation. I did a 20 minute meditation today that focused my breathing and gave me a different view of what meditation was for. The instructor for the meditation video, Peter Renner, pointed out that wasn't really for relaxation (or that shouldn't be the goal). Meditation is to find your pure self under all the distractions on your personal surface. It is a practice in awareness of all around you and self-awareness.
A light sort of went on inside me when I went through the meditation, and after it was done, I realized that what he said connected with what I've been kicking and screaming about for a while in my spiritual life.
I walked away from going to church for about two or three years. This was a bit of an unexpected thing for me. I didn't plan to leave. I just came to a place where I went to church and spent a lot of my time there just wanting to tear down the artifices we put up that we thought connected us to God. I wanted to tear down the band and the big screens. I wanted to rip down the fancy sound system and the flowers and the wall hangings. I wanted to pull everything down and stop posturing and listening to empty prayers so that I could see God. I just wanted to be with God in what ever form God took. That was it. I didn't want to be on one more committee or sing in the choir or serve communion one more time or face the expectancy from my fellow congregants anymore. I just wanted to be Mary for a bit. I wanted to sit at Jesus's feet, and I couldn't do that.
I walked away from going to church for about two or three years. This was a bit of an unexpected thing for me. I didn't plan to leave. I just came to a place where I went to church and spent a lot of my time there just wanting to tear down the artifices we put up that we thought connected us to God. I wanted to tear down the band and the big screens. I wanted to rip down the fancy sound system and the flowers and the wall hangings. I wanted to pull everything down and stop posturing and listening to empty prayers so that I could see God. I just wanted to be with God in what ever form God took. That was it. I didn't want to be on one more committee or sing in the choir or serve communion one more time or face the expectancy from my fellow congregants anymore. I just wanted to be Mary for a bit. I wanted to sit at Jesus's feet, and I couldn't do that.
I have since gone back to a different church. I'm sure some people would think that my current church of choice has even more artifice than the one I left. It has large neo-gothic arches in the sanctuary. There is a gigantic pipe organ (I have a soft spot for pipe organs) and a large choir that sings classical music. The congregation is three or four times the size of my former congregational family. I've struggled a great deal with this strange turn of worship choice. I look around as I absorb the grandeur of this new church, and wonder if I've simply embraced a different form of artifice, but oddly, I feel closer to Jesus's feet in this place. I'm allowed to be Mary if I want to be Mary. I don't see the vestments and the choir and the pipe organ and the cross etched with different languages including Ogham runes as artifice. Maybe these things aren't the real artifice I was railing against in the first place. I'm not sure.
Of course, you're wondering when I'm going to connect all this stuff inside me to the meditation this morning.
One of the things Renner points out in this meditation is that distractions are always with us, always at our surface. We are always busy. We always have extraneous thoughts. When we meditate, we are moving deeper into ourselves, but we are learning to accept that we have those things going on in us and around us and that we can be aware of them and still not have those things disturb our deeper selves or the calm that is our deeper selves. He gave the example of the ocean. The surface is busy and moves with waves and wind. There are boats going across the surface. There are birds diving in and objects floating around and bumping things. When we go deeper in the ocean, those things are still there, but don't disturb the calm below the surface very much if at all. You can still see those things at the top, but you can choose not to respond or react to them.
Maybe that's what I'm learning as I return to church and the ritual. All of the vestments and the choir and the band and the expectancy aren't what matter anyway. What matters is that we are aware of all of them but still seek and see the face of the Deity (Universe, Mother, Father) and feel the Deity around us and deep in us. I am going to contemplate this next Sunday as I worship. Maybe that line of thought was what I meant by tearing down the artifice and didn't know how to articulate it. That doesn't mean that I don't respond or react to any of the things on the surface. They are still meaningful and worth doing. Without response or reaction, we would not be able to carry out the work Jesus really wanted us to do (you know, care for each other, feed each other, clothe each other, talk and share with each other). Just like that busy stuff on the surface, we need those things to make us who we are. At the same time, it's ok to sit beneath the surface for a bit and breathe and be aware of all those things, but sit with the Deity for a bit.
Be still and know. I AM God.
One of the things Renner points out in this meditation is that distractions are always with us, always at our surface. We are always busy. We always have extraneous thoughts. When we meditate, we are moving deeper into ourselves, but we are learning to accept that we have those things going on in us and around us and that we can be aware of them and still not have those things disturb our deeper selves or the calm that is our deeper selves. He gave the example of the ocean. The surface is busy and moves with waves and wind. There are boats going across the surface. There are birds diving in and objects floating around and bumping things. When we go deeper in the ocean, those things are still there, but don't disturb the calm below the surface very much if at all. You can still see those things at the top, but you can choose not to respond or react to them.
Maybe that's what I'm learning as I return to church and the ritual. All of the vestments and the choir and the band and the expectancy aren't what matter anyway. What matters is that we are aware of all of them but still seek and see the face of the Deity (Universe, Mother, Father) and feel the Deity around us and deep in us. I am going to contemplate this next Sunday as I worship. Maybe that line of thought was what I meant by tearing down the artifice and didn't know how to articulate it. That doesn't mean that I don't respond or react to any of the things on the surface. They are still meaningful and worth doing. Without response or reaction, we would not be able to carry out the work Jesus really wanted us to do (you know, care for each other, feed each other, clothe each other, talk and share with each other). Just like that busy stuff on the surface, we need those things to make us who we are. At the same time, it's ok to sit beneath the surface for a bit and breathe and be aware of all those things, but sit with the Deity for a bit.
Be still and know. I AM God.
Meditation can be a way to live this scripture. I changed the punctuation this scripture for a reason. Meditation is the part that is us. We are still. We are focused. Our breathing centers our knowing and awareness. God is God even when we aren't still and we don't know. When we meditate, we can get to that still and that knowing. It's awareness. It's quiet. God is there.
Silver Lining Sick Day
I've spent all day today in my pajamas, feeling sick. It was a gray, February-esque day, and by all rights, I should be feeling sorry for myself. I HATE being sick. In spite of how I've felt, today has miles of silver lining. I decided to use Lent as a way to learn to meditate and begin taking care of my body and my spirit. I still feel pretty nasty, but I'm pleased and have a bit of peacefulness inside me. I have no idea how my plan for Lent will work out. All I can do is try and reach out everyday. The face of God is nearer. The artifice is less of an issue now. It's there. I don't worry about it. I no longer blocks my view or my chance to reach the Deity.
Today has been beautiful. Can't wait to see what happens next.
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