The Successful Woman in the 21st Century

Morning Reading

It's Saturday morning, and it's not uncommon for me to surf through Facebook and Twitter and other places in search of things that are interesting to read. Before computers, I would have lounged in my jammies (which I still do) and read the newspaper and watched tv news. I still do those things, but much more of my reading is Internet based now. 

But I digress. 

I was twittering along and stumbled on an article from The Globe and Mail by Margaret Wente about Sheryl Sandberg's new book, Lean In (Ms. Sandberg is Facebook's COO). Ms Sandberg gives advice on how to be a successful woman. She says all the usual mishmash of being assertive, ignoring your guilt, mastering your fear, so it's not really that groundbreaking to me. Ms. Wente suggests that women instead of leaning in, lean back. 

Lean In/Lean Back? WTH?

As I read, I found myself thinking, "What is this leaning in and leaning out all about anyway?" When I think of leaning in, I think of paying attention or maybe leaning in for a kiss. Maybe I'm just too basic for all this technical talk about success. We'll just say that what Ms. Sandberg's "Lean In" means is paying attention (I doubt she supports kissing as a step to success even if it is a very good activity to participate in). If we are paying attention, we are giving ourselves a chance to succeed. Ok. I can buy that. I teach my students that. In my classes, if you want to succeed, you pay attention or lean in. 

Ms. Wente uses the term "Lean Back," but doesn't really define what that means. She seems to be linking the term with the idea that women who have heavy duty degrees (obviously they've been leaning in) and high powered jobs are choosing to stay home after having kids. To me, "lean back" seems to mean that these people are paying attention differently, or are maybe relaxing and stepping back from what they thought they might do to attain success. 

How is Success Defined Anyhow?

I'm not really comfortable with lean in or lean out. I see both as being success. A successful woman is a woman who has come to terms with herself and her life and does it to the best of her ability. "It" could be being the COO of an international firm. "It" could be being the COO of your household. "It" could be any number of things.

Something I've known for a while is that how women define themselves is really different than how men define themselves. Women define through relationships and men through their work. I haven't read Ms. Sandberg's book (I have heard some interviews and read some articles), but it seems like she's attempting to refit the female mindset about success. Leaning in sounds an awful lot like she's telling us to man up. Define our success by our ability to master the workplace and lead the charge. Now, I'm all for women in powerful positions. The glass ceiling needs to be be destroyed. I'm just not sure that's the step for me. 

I am a successful English instructor at a technical college close by. I am not an administrator, and probably never will be. I am not politic enough to make that work. I could "lean in" and make that happen and be high powered and, by Sandberg's definition, successful. It's not what I want though. What I want is to write and teach (I want to teach literature---that would be great success for me). Does that make me less successful than my bosses (who are all female, btw)? I don't think so. My students don't think so either. 

I could have "leaned back" when I had kids, but I really didn't have that option. I had to have a career because I had to pay for my kids to have things like clothes and education and food. My mother leaned back in the mid 60s when my brother and I were born. She has worked in this house for forty-six years, and pretty much leaned back as much as she was able. It worked for her. She is successful--as successful as I am. She has managed to raise me and my brother and has helped me raise my own two kids.

Telling Me How to Succeed

I'm not sure I am comfortable with anyone telling me the path to success. I've found that success is a personal choice and a personal matter. There are some basics that everyone should know about success:

1. Success comes from you. No one can gift you with it. 

2. Certain activities feed success. Certain activities feed failure. Learn which do what in your life.

3. Measure yourself against no one. 

4. Ask for help. 

5. Accept constructive criticism.

6. Know yourself and learn from your mistakes. 

Over the last year, I watched my best friend change her life completely after working for many years in the same position. She quit her job. She was physically ill. She was mentally crushed. A year later, she is becoming physically sound and mentally strong. She's doing what she wants to do. She's finding her inner strength. She is more successful than she has been for a long time. There's no high powered position involved, but that doesn't matter. She's finding herself and her power and it lies outside any job or career or anything like that. There was no leaning in. There was, however, some breaking out. 

I'm not sure we should measure ourselves or others by what they do or don't do professionally or at home. Our measure of success boils down to how happy we are in our lives. I'm successful, not because I'm a teacher, but because I've found those things that make me hum inside. Amanda is successful, not because she works on computers or pushes to to three jobs in one, but because she has found her creative self again and is learning to love herself. 

So who is the successful woman in the 21st century? Whoever the hell she chooses to be! And she doesn't have to lean in or out. She just has to be herself. 

Kites, Convertables, and Time with Friends

Flying High:

Paul (my brother) flew a Spongebob kite.
Took a great picture too. 

My friend, Bryan, does something every March that is just beyond cool. He hosts an event called "Airtime." This is an event that brings us all to Swift-Cantrell Park in Kennesaw, Georgia where we can bring our own kites or use one of the $1.00 kites that Bryan brings along with him to share with the kids at the park. The idea is to get as many kites in the air as possible, but, more importantly, to also have fun. 

This year, Bryan hosted two Saturdays of Airtime, and yesterday was the last day. I was on the fence about going initially. A lot was going on at the House of Nettles. Paul and his daughter were in town from Texas. It was the first time we'd seen either of them since Christmas (online does not count), and I wasn't sure what they'd want to do. Luckily, two things were on the side of going-- (1) the weather was super [upper sixties] (2) they were interested in going. We all hopped into the Mustang convertible Paul had rented for the weekend, and with the wind in our hair, we headed to Kennesaw. 

It has been years since I'd flown a kite, but after a little nudging in the right direction, I had a $1 Spiderman (Amazing Spiderman that is) kite riding the air current and avoiding the kite-eating tree. Paul put a Spongebob kite up, while my niece put up a Darth Vader kite and my son, Stuart, flew a second Spiderman kit. I looked around after a few minutes and saw something that was cool. All of us were smiling. It didn't matter that Darth Vader decided to break away and fly without my niece's guidance. It didn't matter that Stuart's kite was bent strangely (it still flew). It didn't matter that my kite often hit the ground before getting back up. The sky was crystal blue and the sun was warmer than it's been in months. 

As I flew and guided my kite, I was struck by how the kite could be taken up by powerful updrafts that I couldn't see, and then dropped hard when those winds stopped. The kite dropped out of the sky many times, but if I took time to pull the string back to me and reset the kite in the wind, the wind would lift it back up and soon it'd  be flying high again.

I was also struck at how zen this activity was for me. I didn't have to do or be anything in that moment. The wind did all the work for me if I just allowed it to. I could have stayed out there all day.

Little Mustang Convertible:

Yesterday was the perfect day for riding in a convertible. The wind was not that chilly and the sun was warm. Riding in the car was a real treat. It's been a long time since I've gotten the chance to ride in a Mustang convertible. I had momentary flashbacks to high school and riding in Ed's Mustang convertible. We'd stuff as many people into that car as possible, including one in the trunk. It is amazing that we never had any accidents or were pulled over.

Something that didn't occur to me as we rode in the sun and the wind and I took in the warmth of early spring, is that I was entering spring after a long, cold winter, which I spent primarily indoors. Usually, I get one sunburn a year, and that's not till April. My skin is not of the pale white variety, like many of my Celtic friends and cousins. I tan easily and get darker as the spring and summer progresses. When we got home, I looked in the mirror, and saw that my annual sunburn had come early. It hurts, but I wouldn't trade what we did for the world. 

Beer with Friends:

My brother and niece left yesterday afternoon, and my son decided to go hang with friends. It was St. Patrick's Day Eve, and my co-workers, Frank and Ashley, asked me to go have a drink with them last night. I'm not a party girl. Not by a long shot. Going out on St. Paddy's weekend isn't my usual idea of fun, but I love Frank and Ashley and Ashley's man, Kenneth, so I agreed to go. If you have a chance to go to Meehan's in Vinings, Georgia, do so. 

It was very crowded last night, and we weren't sure we'd stay, but then Ashley found a table outside, and we were set for the evening. Just as with the kites, I was struck by the simplicity of the act of our gathering. We ate and drank (I think I might have had a bit too much) and talked. Ashley told us that Kenneth had said that he wanted to hang out with her friends (he lives out of town---their relationship is one of the few long-distance relationships I've seen work well). She told him that her only friends were her co-workers. I find that particularly moving. I feel pretty honored that she counts me as a friend, mostly because Ashley is a particularly driven person and she's twenty years younger than me.

So, Your Point?

Yesterday was about friends. I am surrounded by amazing people who make me laugh and cry and think. My inner dialogue often tries to convince me that I am alone or that I can't connect with other people very well. It likes to tell me that I'm awkward and people don't like me. That I'm an acquired taste.

This weekend has been filled with laughter and people I love. My life is more than full of people who, apparently, have acquired the taste of being with me. Knowing that should be enough for anyone. I need to hold on to the zen of the kite and the warmth of sun and the embrace of friends who are there for me, even late at night when I feel sad or lonely.

Y'all have a great week. 

Speaking vs. Writing or Why I Sometimes Have to Write Instead of Speak

“Writing feels safer somehow. I can catch myself before I say the wrong thing.” ― Hillary Frank

Social Anxiety:

I have to admit something that some of you may be shocked over. I have a social anxiety. Sometimes, it's hard for me to say what I want to say or to speak at al. It's not a speech impediment. It's more a fear that the wrong words will come out or that I will say something that will make everyone uncomfortable, especially myself. I hate feeling awkward, mostly because that's how I've felt for most of my life. I also have problems speaking in front of groups or being comfortable around people I don't know very well. Parties can be nightmarish for me. I have been known to go to parties and then hide in the kitchen the entire evening because, well, I was overwhelmed and worried that I'd say or do something that someone would reveal to be unacceptable. 

Those of you who know me, know that I fake my way through this anxiety. I wasn't always able to do that, but have worked hard to push my anxiety to the back. For the most part, I'm good at it. I am now able to go to gatherings and actually be able to share my ideas with confidence, for the most part. I can even talk in front of groups (another part of the anxiety that caused me endless grief in school). 

Sometimes, however, I still find that I can't find the words to say what I need or want to say to someone. The more intensely I feel about something, the more I want to go shut myself down. 

Speaking:

I do have times when I speak (of course---otherwise I'd be a hermit. A really bad hermit because I don't like to be alone.) In fact, I speak probably way more than I should. For a long time, I believed that I was not very articulate and only parrot what others tell me. Someone in my life actually told me that. I'm now convinced that he did that because I was intimidating when I did participate in conversations, and had no idea that I was. I just talked. One thing that I've learned over the years is that if someone takes you off at the soul and downplays your personal power long enough, that act will cause a great deal of doubt on your part. I can blame this person for being nasty, and he was. I also see how I allowed this to happen.

I stopped speaking much in groups because I was too anxious that I was just a parrot and no one cared about my ideas anyway. There were people in my church who told me that they didn't realize that I could talk so much. It took years and lots of personal pushing to make myself speak out. When I did, ideas poured out. I questioned everything. 

Now, I tend to be pretty straightforward, which makes some people a little uncomfortable. I don't like that they are uncomfortable, but I have to be straightforward or I don't say anything at all (sometimes that happens). I work hard to be straightforward, but sometimes that old anxiety creeps back in and I'm silent. I get anxious over strong emotion. 

Writing:

One thing that has helped me with social anxiety is the Internet. I find it ironic that so many people think that the Internet and social media has caused people to disconnect. The Internet is how I began to find my voice and learn how to use it in a more confident manner. It helped me learn how to deal with people who are hurtful and how to think before I said hurtful things (sometimes I still fail in this regard, but it's a journey, right?). It allowed me to feel unafraid of saying things that I might otherwise hide or hold back on saying to a friend or someone I cared for. 

When I'm nervous about speaking certain ideas or feelings, I write instead of speak. Like the quotation above observes, "Writing is safer..." I can make sure I'm saying exactly what is in my head. If I speak, there's a huge possibility that I will not express my feelings as well as if the words are on the screen or on paper. If I take the time to write my feelings down and craft my phrases and shape my sentences in a way that reflects my inner voice, that means I want my reader to understand exactly what I want to say and that what I'm writing/thinking/wanting to say is supremely important to me. I write in these moments because I value that person and friendship enough that I don't want spoken words to get in the way of true intent.

I can control my words, and just like the quotation points out, "I can catch myself before I say the wrong thing." I do this because I don't like to have people staring at me like I'm crazy. I've had that going on most of my life, and while I'm used to it, I don't like it. 

Soooo...if I send you an e-mail or private message you or text you or write to you on a napkin at a bar, it isn't because I don't want to look at you or see your face or have a moment one-on-one. It also isn't me being a child. It's me finding a way to say all I want to say to you in a way that I can be sure you totally understand the feelings I'm sharing with you. It's me fighting that social anxiety until I can get past the strong emotional charge and I can talk calmly and rationally with you. I just don't want to speak the wrong words.

Honesty

Lately, I've been working a lot on different aspects of my own life and inner self. It seems to be the mission I have for 2013. I know some people make resolutions at the beginning of the year, and while that seems to work sometime, resolutions quickly become more like cages for me. Maybe I demand too much of myself, or have constrictive approaches to the situation. At any rate, I no longer make resolutions. Instead, I spend some time thinking about things I need or want and begin a search for how to make those things happen. Last year, I wanted to find ways to relax and to learn how to socialize more. After a little inner study and a little Internet study, I found that I wanted to knit to relax. I also began to talk to my friends, and ended up socializing and becoming part of a small church group at a huge church in Atlanta. With that mission completed or ongoing, I decided to find out what my mission was for 2013.

This year, after talking to several friends who have rounded some significant creative and personal corners, I began thinking about my own creative and personal life. I knew I needed to do things somewhat differently than I'd been doing them. My writing life had stagnated. I've talked about my writing and fear before in this blog, and at the beginning of the year, I felt ashamed of myself because I was not writing. I told a friend that I was a "lazy writer," and he said something to me that was simple, but resonated. He told me I wasn't lazy just busy, which is true. He also encouraged me to keep at it and also to start a blog again. I've had friends say this to me before, but this time, it seemed to register as something I should take as a mission. So far, I've stepped up this part of my mission for 2013 (as illustrated with this blog and all of you millions of readers). I've begun to talk to other people who are writers and are getting published consistently. While this part of the mission is far from over, I feel like I'm getting out there and making that change I've been afraid to make to this point in my life.

For those of you who want to get some encouragement and meet some pretty cool writers, get on Twitter. I kid you not. I started tweeting after going to Dragon*Con in 2011. I stopped for a while, and then went back, mostly because I'd already followed a few sci-fi/fantasy authors, and realized that they were a vast, untapped (in my world) resource for learning about getting published and about things like self-publishing. There is something very good about seeing others struggling with getting words on the page some days and then having days of remarkable success. 

"Honesty Is Such a Lonely Word:"

Another part of my 2013 mission is to reconsider how I deal with people and activities in my life as well as what I do with that inner dialogue, which goes on no matter how much I sometimes wish it were otherwise. I got to thinking about this after my trip to Fort Mountain and spending some time with IK, King of the Trolls. IK struggles with a lot of the same issues creatively and personally that I do, so our conversations are usually pretty cool. He has come to a place where he can approach a lot of things in his life with a sort of positive energy that has helped him grow and become strong. After talking to him and working with him on a project recently, I learned that his change has come from how he interacts with himself and others. I began thinking about how I interacted with myself and with those around me, and knew there were things I could change as well. 

I am not my biggest fan. This comes from years of being warned of pride and arrogance. Tooting my own horn made me feel as though I was pushing myself or my work on people. I even become nervous around other people who say nice things about me or my work. I have had to learn to not deflect kind words and just say thank you. Inversely, I have also had to learn not to bait others into saying nice things about me. I want those nice words to be said without my having to ask, "Did you like that story?" or make excuses about how it wasn't just right (because you know when you do that, no person is going to back away from saying, "Oh, don't worry. It was just awesome."). [Never make excuses about your writing. Ever. You can joke about your grammar, and you can even discuss why you think something works, but never make excuses.] One thing I'm working on is telling myself that I am awesome, which is different than arrogance. Arrogance would be telling myself that I am more awesome than all of you. My level of awesome should not depend on another's lack of awesome. I've started telling myself that I am awesome and I look awesome and my work is awesome. Doing this has helped me trust myself and my judgement a lot more, which has allowed me to do something else that I struggle with a lot.

I struggle with honesty. 

Now, I don't mean to say that I lie or am a chronic liar. Not at all. Except, that sometimes I omit certain truths in order to make my way through certain situations. It's what we all do on a daily basis to survive. I even lie to myself to help myself feel better. I won't tell people things sometimes because, well, I don't want them to think less of me or walk away from me because I'm not as awesome as they might think I am. 

Billy Joel's song (you can hear it above) says, "Honesty is such a lonely word." I find that to be mostly true. When you are honest, really honest, you are stripping down everything you put up to protect yourself. Lies, half-truth, quarter-truths---they are usually barriers to what you fear. Honesty is when you walk out from behind the castle walls with nothing on but a pretty floral bonnet, and if you push it, you probably need to drop the pretty floral bonnet too.

Honesty is lonely because it means you are bare and everyone (or who ever you bare yourself to) is staring at you. 

Sometimes it's just easier to keep your truth to yourself and spare yourself the imagined pain.

"Honesty Is Hardly Ever Heard:"

I often worry that people really don't want to hear your honesty either. The act of honest speaking scares them as much as it scares me. Maybe it's because when I reveal my own truth, that truth pushes them to also be truthful, which means they also have to drop their  own pretty floral bonnet. Sometimes, if you hear the truth, it is painful because it shows that you haven't hid your painfully ugly issues as well as you thought. It's easier (so we tell ourselves) to hide from those things you fear.

Notice how fear and dishonesty work together. 

I think fear and dishonesty twist because people say unkind things in the name of truth and honesty. I'm guilty of that. We mistake making unkind observations for honesty and truth. Honesty, at least as I've come to see it, should not be used as weaponry. I feel guilty for the times I have used it as such.

Jesus said something to the effect of "the truth shall set you free." I argue that the truth wielded as a sword to lop off the heads of those who make you angry is not exactly what He had in mind. 

When honesty becomes weaponry, it will not be heard as it should be heard. It will propagate fear, which will make people less likely to be honest. 

As a side note, I found a study done by, Honest Tea last summer. Apparently, I'm not the only one struggling with honesty. Go take a look and see how your city ranks in the Index. 

"Mostly What I Need from You:"

I've been working on being more open and honest, which means I'm working on fighting my fear as well. Writing this blog is part of this mission. That doesn't mean I'm going to tell all on these pages. I have people in my life who are probably relieved at this moment. What it means is that I will tell you more about how I struggle with everything. I'm not asking for pity or pats on the head or expecting you to tell me that I'm awesome and all will be well. 

I just need to be open. 

I'm also working on this in my relationships. This probably means that I will have friends who get surprised by me on occasion (although if you've known me long enough, not much should surprise you at this point). What I'm finding is by being bare with my friends, I'm allowing them to see me as me, and they love me (unless you all are lying to me) despite all my many flaws (once again, no one better make comments that indicate that you are patting me on my head---I'm not fishing for compliments here).

Mostly what I need from you (all of you, my beloved million readers) is for you to respond and be as open. I guess what I'm saying is that I need open dialogue, and I feel I need to be  less afraid about what is going on in my mind and in my heart.

Let's see how my mission goes...

Into the Breach or Joining the Order of the Wednesday Knights

Something You May Not Know about Me

 I am an old-fashioned table-top gamer. Translation from Nerd to English=I have played AD&D and other versions of this most ancient of role-playing games (RPGs) since I was fifteen. I love them. When you role play you not only get the thrill of killing enemies and monsters (like a video game) but you get the added benefit of learning to work with others and think in tactical or strategic ways. In a lot of ways, playing these games has helped me with navigating through a lot situation as well as given me the ability to think creatively on my feet. 

My character class (my in-game job basically) has pretty much always been that of thief/rogue/scout. This means I get to sneak around, spy, climb trees, take apart traps, open locked doors, and generally look really cool in leather armor. I love solving puzzles and problems in game, so this class is really up my alley. 

There is this whole backlash about women in gaming, especially the whole "I started gaming because of my boyfriend" story. I argue that there is a reason for this story---there is some truth to it. Not every woman who games (notice I said woman, not gamer girl---I am 46 years old. I am not a gamer girl. I am a woman who games) has this story, but many of us (me included) do have this story. I started gaming because a guy who I would eventually date and his guy friends invited me. I then dated another guy in the group. That's not what caused me to love gaming though. Lots of gamer girlfriends come and go (another thing that is actually a myth is that guys who game do not have real girlfriends---obviously whoever perpetuated this myth never met the guys I know who game). Some sit there and really don't have an interest or understanding of what is happening. It's not an activity that is for everyone. Then there are those of us who stay and begin to figure out the system and create characters who are not only interesting but intrinsic to party cohesion. That's sort of where I ended up. I enjoyed the character interaction and the real people interaction. I enjoyed taking time to learn certain skill that would lend to my character and her party (the group of characters who work together). 

Fast Forward Twenty-Five Years into the Future

My love and interest in the game has lasted over twenty five years, which means most of my adult life has been spent rolling dice and growing characters. There have been times when I've not gamed, and times when I was running the game (or being Game Mistress---it's not as kinky as it sounds, promise). I haven't played in a fully adult game (this means that all the players are adults---once again, not as X-rated as it sounds) in years. I'm not complaining about this at all, don't get me wrong. Teaching your children how to play RPGs is a real treat, especially when you get to watch them come into their own. My children are LARPing now because, in part, they learned to table top game earlier in their lives. 

A few weeks ago, I was invited by a local game master (Thomas, who rocks, by the way) to join a group he runs here in West Cobb. I was honored and floored. Actually, he didn't just invite me, he asked me to apply to The Order of the Wednesday Knights. I had to create a gaming resume and a letter of introduction. I was interviewed and then voted on. This was serious business.

Lucky for me, the vote went well, and I was formally invited to join. They believed me to be a good fit, and I was taking over a NPC (non-player character) who was...wait for it...a thief. I was so excited. 

I was also a little terrified. I only knew Thomas, sort of. We'd only met once and had a brief conversation. We became Facebook friends, mostly because I thought he was pretty intriguing and wanted to get to know him. The interview process gave me hope that my experience with them would be good, but I was still scared. I've gamed with some groups who were excellent and others who were just plain bizarre. 

The Order of the Wednesday Knights

Our first game together was Wednesday night. Rusty's house was only fifteen minutes away and in familiar territory, so I was comforted. If things turned weird or I didn't like anyone, I could bail and be back home in time for Arrow, right? I was the first to arrive, and had time to stare at his house, wondering if I was in the right place. The house was large and beautiful. Rusty's son answered the door, and soon I was inside facing a guy about my age who looked like he would be more comfortable at a country club that rolling a d20 and fighting demons. 

As more of the guys arrived, I began to sense the camaraderie and bond these grown men had over what is basically advanced playing pretend. They had history. They shared moments and inside jokes they shared with me. They are also professionals by day. They have careers and family. One of the guys has a new baby. (There is yet another myth. The myth of the basement-dwelling unbathed gamer guy. The Wednesday Knights blow that out of the water by a long-shot). 

These men took me into their order and there was no demand that I prove myself in game. They listened to my observations and ideas. They encouraged me to have fun and relax. It was as if I was meant to take my character, Mezrial, all along. They play an older version of the game, and I was surprised at how fast my knowledge of that edition came rushing back to me. 

It didn't matter that we got our asses handed to us later in the evening, or that we managed to piss off a circus owner and had to hide in the forest. What mattered is that I became a part of the party and really, really had a great time.

I found myself, as our characters hid in the forest, contemplating how many total years of gaming was represented in that kitchen that night, and was blown away. All of us started playing in our teens, and a lot of our experiences were parallel (if you say "Tomb of Horrors" to any of us, we are guaranteed to get a sort of panicked look in our eyes. Yes. It's really as horrifying as all that. I still have emotional scarring from that particular game). We have had to learn how to juggle our real lives and our game lives pretty successfully. Oh...how many total years, you want to know. Well...there are six of us, if you count Thomas (btw Thomas is a dj and has a very successful karaoke show he does in a couple of bars in Canton and Douglasville), sooo six times roughly twenty-five years each equals (does the math...hopes it's correct) one hundred fifty years of gaming experience. No wonder we all know how to do this! 

I went home after midnight despite having to work the next morning. I had a real feeling of contentment. For someone who doesn't handle being in a room with people she doesn't know, I did well. There was a time where I would have freaked out and not gone simply because I can be afraid of strangers. What is interesting is that I did go and discovered a group of really warm and supportive guys who I now consider friends. After facing what we've faced so far, I hope we are friends! 

Gosh, I can't wait to play Mezrial again. I'm very thankful to Thomas and the rest of the Order for allowing me to join them. I also want to thank them for being kind to me and not acting like jackasses or ignoring my thoughts or possible alternative plans.