Fat Tuesday Meditation or Silver Lining Sick Day

Fat Tuesday Sick Day

One of the lucky things about being me is that I inherited my dad's family sinus issues. This time of year, when the flowers just begin peeking out to see if the weather is warm enough to hang out for an extended period of time, is the time when my sinuses decide to rebel and punish me for craving the warmth and colors of spring. I'm sure that this year, my sinuses are just confused. How could they not be. One day, I'm able to walk outside in short sleeves and absorb the sunshine. The very next, the drizzle is freezing as we drive to work and school. My system has to make a vital decision:

Do the sinuses attack now or wait till spring break (a month away). I believe that they were tricked on Sunday when I spent the afternoon outside with Amanda. They believed that it was actually spring break. I believe this because yesterday, I came home with a stomach that was doing a live re-enactment of the North Sea on the night the Titanic sank (without the ship or the iceberg). 

You see, my sinuses often don't act in the way sinuses should act. They don't drain down the proper channel of drainage for most human beings (ie the nose). Ok, sometimes that happens, but for the last few years, that has not been the case. Instead, I get several headaches that range from mildly disturbing to what I call screaming (mildly disturbing = my head hurts, but I can push through and continue being my usual quirky self; screaming = my head hurts so badly that not only do I want to scream, but all the characters in my head want to scream too). After that, my digestive system becomes an angry sea of pain because my sinuses drain down my throat and into my stomach. 

This is a bit upsetting because it is Fat Tuesday and/or National Pancake Day. I would like to be eating pancakes or King cake or any sort of cake today. Looks like I will end up having to let that idea go for now. Actually, I plan to sneak a slice of my mom's strawberry chiffon cake (from scratch) a little later. We'll see if I can hold it down.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with Fat Tuesday, let me first, share this link to explain the day better. For a long time, I didn't know what it, mostly because I was raised Southern Baptist, and they don't really pay much attention to the church calendar, especially if it is connected to the Roman Catholic Church. I didn't really learn much about Lent, Fat Tuesday, or Ash Wednesday (I LOVE Ash Wednesday) till I was an adult. 

Although I am not Catholic, I still am fascinated with this entire part of the church calendar. Entire groups of people choose to find things that will help them focus and refocus how they connect with the Deity. They do these things (or don't do these things) for the forty days that make up Lent. It feels like a very up-close-and-personal time to me. Purposeful choices are made and followed through on in a way that these same people won't do for New Year's resolutions. 

Meditation

Something I tried today as a way to explore what I might choose to do (or not do) for Lent was meditation. I found this really great website called DoYogawithMe. It is a free website with videos that show you how to do yoga as well as videos that teach you the basics of breathing and meditation. I did a 20 minute meditation today that focused my breathing and gave me a different view of what meditation was for. The instructor for the meditation video, Peter Renner, pointed out that wasn't really for relaxation (or that shouldn't be the goal). Meditation is to find your pure self under all the distractions on your personal surface. It is a practice in awareness of all around you and self-awareness. 

A light sort of went on inside me when I went through the meditation, and after it was done, I realized that what he said connected with what I've been kicking and screaming about for a while in my spiritual life.

I walked away from going to church for about two or three years. This was a bit of an unexpected thing for me. I didn't plan to leave. I just came to a place where I went to church and spent a lot of my time there just wanting to tear down the artifices we put up that we thought connected us to God. I wanted to tear down the band and the big screens. I wanted to rip down the fancy sound system and the flowers and the wall hangings. I wanted to pull everything down and stop posturing and listening to empty prayers so that I could see God. I just wanted to be with God in what ever form God took. That was it. I didn't want to be on one more committee or sing in the choir or serve communion one more time or face the expectancy from my fellow congregants anymore. I just wanted to be Mary for a bit. I wanted to sit at Jesus's feet, and I couldn't do that. 

I have since gone back to a different church. I'm sure some people would think that my current church of choice has even more artifice than the one I left. It has large neo-gothic arches in the sanctuary. There is a gigantic pipe organ (I have a soft spot for pipe organs) and a large choir that sings classical music. The congregation is three or four times the size of my former congregational family. I've struggled a great deal with this strange turn of worship choice. I look around as I absorb the grandeur of this new church, and wonder if I've simply embraced a different form of artifice, but oddly, I feel closer to Jesus's feet in this place. I'm allowed to be Mary if I want to be Mary. I don't see the vestments and the choir and the pipe organ and the cross etched with different languages including Ogham runes as artifice. Maybe these things aren't the real artifice I was railing against in the first place. I'm not sure. 

Of course, you're wondering when I'm going to connect all this stuff inside me to the meditation this morning.

One of the things Renner points out in this meditation is that distractions are always with us, always at our surface. We are always busy. We always have extraneous thoughts. When we meditate, we are moving deeper into ourselves, but we are learning to accept that we have those things going on in us and around us and that we can be aware of them and still not have those things disturb our deeper selves or the calm that is our deeper selves. He gave the example of the ocean. The surface is busy and moves with waves and wind. There are boats going across the surface. There are birds diving in and objects floating around and bumping things. When we go deeper in the ocean, those things are still there, but don't disturb the calm below the surface very much if at all. You can still see those things at the top, but you can choose not to respond or react to them.

Maybe that's what I'm learning as I return to church and the ritual. All of the vestments and the choir and the band and the expectancy aren't what matter anyway. What matters is that we are aware of all of them but still seek and see the face of the Deity (Universe, Mother, Father) and feel the Deity around us and deep in us. I am going to contemplate this next Sunday as I worship. Maybe that line of thought was what I meant by tearing down the artifice and didn't know how to articulate it. That doesn't mean that I don't respond or react to any of the things on the surface. They are still meaningful and worth doing. Without response or reaction, we would not be able to carry out the work Jesus really wanted us to do (you know, care for each other, feed each other, clothe each other, talk and share with each other). Just like that busy stuff on the surface, we need those things to make us who we are. At the same time, it's ok to sit beneath the surface for a bit and breathe and be aware of all those things, but sit with the Deity for a bit.

Be still and know. I AM God.

Meditation can be a way to live this scripture. I changed the punctuation this scripture for a reason. Meditation is the part that is us. We are still. We are focused. Our breathing centers our knowing and awareness. God is God even when we aren't still and we don't know. When we meditate, we can get to that still and that knowing. It's awareness. It's quiet. God is there.

Silver Lining Sick Day

I've spent all day today in my pajamas, feeling sick. It was a gray, February-esque day, and by all rights, I should be feeling sorry for myself. I HATE being sick. In spite of how I've felt, today has miles of silver lining. I decided to use Lent as a way to learn to meditate and begin taking care of my body and my spirit. I still feel pretty nasty, but I'm pleased and have a bit of peacefulness inside me. I have no idea how my plan for Lent will work out. All I can do is try and reach out everyday. The face of God is nearer. The artifice is less of an issue now. It's there. I don't worry about it. I no longer blocks my view or my chance to reach the Deity. 

Today has been beautiful. Can't wait to see what happens next. 

February Funk

Winter Lingers

February is my least favorite month. It's gray and dreary. The weather is bi-polar (or maybe tri or quad...not sure). I begin to tire of wearing sweaters, socks and boots. The sun teases with hints of warmth and gold that indicates spring while the wind reminds us of the truth that is late winter. I crave the beach and flowers and my sandals. 

Until the spring really arrives, I tend to slide into a bit of a funk. This February I've manage to stave off the funk till this week. I'm proud of myself because usually this funk takes hold the first week of February instead of the week before sliding into March, which is often the first step toward warmth and light and flowers. In the meanwhile, I have to distract myself. 

Distractions

One thing I do when I find myself in a funk is wrap myself in music. Sometimes I listen to music that I'm familiar with that  will raise me out of my mid-winter night of the soul. This is music I can sing with because when I sing, I have a hard time being sad or dark. Other times, like this month, I discover new music and become addicted. It gets embedded in my brain to the point where I wake up to it in my head and have to play it over and again till I soak all the feeling out of it. My latest discovery (my Facebook friends already know and are probably sick of me posting about this) is Robert Downey Jr.

Yes. THAT Robert Downey Jr. Go ahead. Take a minute and admire. I know I'm doing the same. 

midnightreview.co.uk

 I somehow missed the boat about knowing he could sing. Some of you are laughing at my lack of knowledge in this matter, but I just discovered his album The Futurist. 

Why did no one ever tell me about this?! Seriously? Also, why has he never made a second and third and fourth album?

Oh yeah...Iron Man. Yeah. 

 His voice is a warm, fuzzy R&B blanket that I've wrapped myself in for the past week or so. In case you doubt me, here is a sample:

He's got a sort of vulnerability when he sings that doesn't show as much in his other performances. I know...I sound a bit like a moony fourteen year old, but this album has helped me pull out of my funk for just a bit. It's probably good that I'm not a friend of his because I'd bug him to sing to me all the time. 

I've also distracted myself with the new season of House of Cards. 

Amanda will tell you that I have a thing for Kevin Spacey as well. He's delicious in this show, and he sings in one episode, going to prove that evil can have a lovely singing voice when it wants to have one. I haven't finished the season yet (most of my friends binged the first weekend Netflix posted it) because I'm trying to savor it and take my time with it. This is especially important since my other favorite drama, Downton Abbey has closed its season as of last Sunday night. I'm so fascinated with Frank Underwood, Spacey's character, that I forget that I'm in a funk. 

Spring Is Coming

Soon spring will come, and distractions won't matter as much. My dark spirits will lift as warmth returns to Atlanta. In the meanwhile, there are my distractions, and I will enjoy them. While I know this is not a deep response to my funk, and while I know I could be much more serious in this post, this is where I am.

Only a few more weeks till spring, folks. Hold on. 

Motivation..I Have None Today

Monday after Snowmaggedapocalypse

For the first time in seven days, I'm seated in my office at work. This should be a lovely thing for me. I was trapped at the house for five days with my parents. As many of my friends will tell you (and I will too), I adore my parents. They are awesome people. Five days in the same house, however, is a lot to ask of three adults who are all opinionated and set in their ways. To say I was happy to come to work today is an understatement.

Still, I got here, spent two hours with my students in the library as they were trained to use the library and the library website, and got back to the office in time for lunch. My diabolical plan---(1) to eat a hearty lunch of microwaved Rice-a-Roni and (2) to grade one of three batches of essays I need to have completed before next Sunday.

It is now ten minutes before my last class of the day. Guess which part of my diabolical plan I completed. It had nothing to do with essays and everything to do with how hungry I was. 

Desire-5000+              Motivation-0

Welcome to the Real Lives of Georgia Technical College Instructors!

So far, none of my co-workers are completely focused or motivated. We are all sort of slogging through today as we readjust to the real business of recouping two weeks of lost time.  In another day or two, we should be back to relative normal.

Misdirected Motivation

Before I completely claim no motivation at all, let me point out that I have eaten and done a Zentangle (yes, Rhonda, picture will follow). I did this during my second library instructional class with my 1010 students. 

It was either do this, or be completely unengaged.

The thing that is really cool about Zentangle is that it is a sort of meditative doodling. It takes away stress and strain and replaces it with calm. It makes me feel the way knitting makes me feel (happy and peaceful), and I can do it in a less obvious way than whipping out the needles. 

Anyway, I totally blame my friend, Rhonda, who is an artist and a dear friend. You should check out her artist's page on Facebook. Her work is amazing, and she does commissions. She doesn't know this (ok, now she does), but when I get my own place, I'm planning on ordering some of her paintings [Tree of Life, my dear]. Rhonda started doing Zentangle before Christmas and has incorporated it into her painting with really wonderful results.

So, as you can see, my motivation was more misdirected than nil. I drew a Zentangle. My day is complete!

The only other thing I've really been motivated to focus on is knitting pattern collecting. I go on Facebook during lunch and discover new afghan square patterns---FOR FREE! Free patterns put me on a sort of addictive spiral. I post them, I go check Ravelry, (THE website for knitting and crochet addicts like me), and if I really am wandering around, I'll go hit Pinterest. It's sad. No motivation for things like bad writing and disappointing essays, but give me patterns, and I can go for hours.

[BTW--you'll have to suffer through more of my knitting addiction if I start the afghan I'm sort of imagining in my head bwahahahaha!]

So, Is There a Point to This Post?

Uhhhhhh...not really. I just wanted to share that I am really wandering today. I guess some people would say I have ADD or ADHD or some other abbreviated thing that says that I'm not focused. (And before anyone decides to blast me in the comments below, I'm not making fun of anyone who may have this sort of issue. For some people it's real. I don't have these things. I'm just not focused today. That's all.) Coming off an entire week of being able to do what I want, when I want and stepping back into the structured world of classes and teaching and expectations is hard. If you made me choose between grading papers and watching House of Cards while knitting slippers for clients, guess which I'd go with?

I promise that I will put myself back together quickly and have a long grading session involving Thomas Dolby (my current favorite grading partner) and multiple cups of cinnamon tea (another current favorite). The papers will get done. I will move forward. I might even get that basic plan for the new chapters in the novel done (I hope).

Support is awesome, btw. Make sure to leave some kind comments and let me know if you recognize this lack of motivation. 

Snowmageddapocalypse 2014: Part Deux or What Does the Ice Say?

Looking Out of My Window at Casa Nettles

I'm sitting in my pajamas today and looking out of my window at the yard and road as it's coated in ice. Yes, I live in the Metro-Atlanta area. Yes, this is for real. If you are reading this from some far way, Northern place, go ahead and laugh. Atlanta, and most of Georgia, has shut her doors in response to the sheet of ice that has covered our roads, trees, cars, and wires. We are lucky here at the house---we have electricity, food, and plenty of quilts. We are ok. At this point, I'm just praying for spring.

Wait, Where Have You Been Since May, 2013?

Oh...yeah...I sort of dropped the ball for a long, long time, which means my millions of readers have most likely dropped to ten readers (if you are one of my ten readers, thanks for waiting and waiting and waiting). Let's see...I went to St. Louis in July and that was massively cool. I went to the top of the Gateway Arch (if you've not done that, it's a must do. I'm so glad I did that). I housesat from August to December, which was a really interesting learning experience. I also learned that I hadn't lost my photographic chops. That was a thrill. My aunt passed in November after a long battle with cancer. I also lost a good friend to cancer in December (stupid cancer). The entire family went to Dallas. Texas to visit my brother and niece for Christmas, and also visited my grandmother as she celebrated her 99th birthday. Lots of crazy good things.

Ok, Back to Today

What's been interesting about this ice storm here in Atlanta is that there has been a lot of backlash from the first storm, which came about two weeks ago. For those of you who don't watch the news or weren't in the area two weeks ago, Atlanta was totally gridlocked because everyone was released from work too late to beat the coming ice. I know friends who were in their cars for over 24 hours. Gina was on the road for 7 hours and finally had to abandon her car to find shelter with friends.

This storm worked differently, in part, because people took the time to think about what to do before the storm arrived. Many of us have been off work since Tuesday despite the fact that yesterday was mostly rainy and lacked the temperatures to freeze things before nightfall. Some people thought this caution was stupid. I was thankful. I would much rather err on the side of caution than find myself or my loved ones trapped in an icy hell on the highway. Now, it seems that we may have the rest of the week off. Is this going to be hard on me and my students? Yes. Do I care. No. I'm safe and so are my students. That's more important at this point. We will find a way to catch up. No worries.

I like that I'm able to sit in my pajamas, knit, watch skating, grade a little, and be warm and safe. The ice says, "Slow down. Breathe. Don't fight this."

I'm good with that mentality.