Speaking vs. Writing or Why I Sometimes Have to Write Instead of Speak

“Writing feels safer somehow. I can catch myself before I say the wrong thing.” ― Hillary Frank

Social Anxiety:

I have to admit something that some of you may be shocked over. I have a social anxiety. Sometimes, it's hard for me to say what I want to say or to speak at al. It's not a speech impediment. It's more a fear that the wrong words will come out or that I will say something that will make everyone uncomfortable, especially myself. I hate feeling awkward, mostly because that's how I've felt for most of my life. I also have problems speaking in front of groups or being comfortable around people I don't know very well. Parties can be nightmarish for me. I have been known to go to parties and then hide in the kitchen the entire evening because, well, I was overwhelmed and worried that I'd say or do something that someone would reveal to be unacceptable. 

Those of you who know me, know that I fake my way through this anxiety. I wasn't always able to do that, but have worked hard to push my anxiety to the back. For the most part, I'm good at it. I am now able to go to gatherings and actually be able to share my ideas with confidence, for the most part. I can even talk in front of groups (another part of the anxiety that caused me endless grief in school). 

Sometimes, however, I still find that I can't find the words to say what I need or want to say to someone. The more intensely I feel about something, the more I want to go shut myself down. 

Speaking:

I do have times when I speak (of course---otherwise I'd be a hermit. A really bad hermit because I don't like to be alone.) In fact, I speak probably way more than I should. For a long time, I believed that I was not very articulate and only parrot what others tell me. Someone in my life actually told me that. I'm now convinced that he did that because I was intimidating when I did participate in conversations, and had no idea that I was. I just talked. One thing that I've learned over the years is that if someone takes you off at the soul and downplays your personal power long enough, that act will cause a great deal of doubt on your part. I can blame this person for being nasty, and he was. I also see how I allowed this to happen.

I stopped speaking much in groups because I was too anxious that I was just a parrot and no one cared about my ideas anyway. There were people in my church who told me that they didn't realize that I could talk so much. It took years and lots of personal pushing to make myself speak out. When I did, ideas poured out. I questioned everything. 

Now, I tend to be pretty straightforward, which makes some people a little uncomfortable. I don't like that they are uncomfortable, but I have to be straightforward or I don't say anything at all (sometimes that happens). I work hard to be straightforward, but sometimes that old anxiety creeps back in and I'm silent. I get anxious over strong emotion. 

Writing:

One thing that has helped me with social anxiety is the Internet. I find it ironic that so many people think that the Internet and social media has caused people to disconnect. The Internet is how I began to find my voice and learn how to use it in a more confident manner. It helped me learn how to deal with people who are hurtful and how to think before I said hurtful things (sometimes I still fail in this regard, but it's a journey, right?). It allowed me to feel unafraid of saying things that I might otherwise hide or hold back on saying to a friend or someone I cared for. 

When I'm nervous about speaking certain ideas or feelings, I write instead of speak. Like the quotation above observes, "Writing is safer..." I can make sure I'm saying exactly what is in my head. If I speak, there's a huge possibility that I will not express my feelings as well as if the words are on the screen or on paper. If I take the time to write my feelings down and craft my phrases and shape my sentences in a way that reflects my inner voice, that means I want my reader to understand exactly what I want to say and that what I'm writing/thinking/wanting to say is supremely important to me. I write in these moments because I value that person and friendship enough that I don't want spoken words to get in the way of true intent.

I can control my words, and just like the quotation points out, "I can catch myself before I say the wrong thing." I do this because I don't like to have people staring at me like I'm crazy. I've had that going on most of my life, and while I'm used to it, I don't like it. 

Soooo...if I send you an e-mail or private message you or text you or write to you on a napkin at a bar, it isn't because I don't want to look at you or see your face or have a moment one-on-one. It also isn't me being a child. It's me finding a way to say all I want to say to you in a way that I can be sure you totally understand the feelings I'm sharing with you. It's me fighting that social anxiety until I can get past the strong emotional charge and I can talk calmly and rationally with you. I just don't want to speak the wrong words.