Honesty

Lately, I've been working a lot on different aspects of my own life and inner self. It seems to be the mission I have for 2013. I know some people make resolutions at the beginning of the year, and while that seems to work sometime, resolutions quickly become more like cages for me. Maybe I demand too much of myself, or have constrictive approaches to the situation. At any rate, I no longer make resolutions. Instead, I spend some time thinking about things I need or want and begin a search for how to make those things happen. Last year, I wanted to find ways to relax and to learn how to socialize more. After a little inner study and a little Internet study, I found that I wanted to knit to relax. I also began to talk to my friends, and ended up socializing and becoming part of a small church group at a huge church in Atlanta. With that mission completed or ongoing, I decided to find out what my mission was for 2013.

This year, after talking to several friends who have rounded some significant creative and personal corners, I began thinking about my own creative and personal life. I knew I needed to do things somewhat differently than I'd been doing them. My writing life had stagnated. I've talked about my writing and fear before in this blog, and at the beginning of the year, I felt ashamed of myself because I was not writing. I told a friend that I was a "lazy writer," and he said something to me that was simple, but resonated. He told me I wasn't lazy just busy, which is true. He also encouraged me to keep at it and also to start a blog again. I've had friends say this to me before, but this time, it seemed to register as something I should take as a mission. So far, I've stepped up this part of my mission for 2013 (as illustrated with this blog and all of you millions of readers). I've begun to talk to other people who are writers and are getting published consistently. While this part of the mission is far from over, I feel like I'm getting out there and making that change I've been afraid to make to this point in my life.

For those of you who want to get some encouragement and meet some pretty cool writers, get on Twitter. I kid you not. I started tweeting after going to Dragon*Con in 2011. I stopped for a while, and then went back, mostly because I'd already followed a few sci-fi/fantasy authors, and realized that they were a vast, untapped (in my world) resource for learning about getting published and about things like self-publishing. There is something very good about seeing others struggling with getting words on the page some days and then having days of remarkable success. 

"Honesty Is Such a Lonely Word:"

Another part of my 2013 mission is to reconsider how I deal with people and activities in my life as well as what I do with that inner dialogue, which goes on no matter how much I sometimes wish it were otherwise. I got to thinking about this after my trip to Fort Mountain and spending some time with IK, King of the Trolls. IK struggles with a lot of the same issues creatively and personally that I do, so our conversations are usually pretty cool. He has come to a place where he can approach a lot of things in his life with a sort of positive energy that has helped him grow and become strong. After talking to him and working with him on a project recently, I learned that his change has come from how he interacts with himself and others. I began thinking about how I interacted with myself and with those around me, and knew there were things I could change as well. 

I am not my biggest fan. This comes from years of being warned of pride and arrogance. Tooting my own horn made me feel as though I was pushing myself or my work on people. I even become nervous around other people who say nice things about me or my work. I have had to learn to not deflect kind words and just say thank you. Inversely, I have also had to learn not to bait others into saying nice things about me. I want those nice words to be said without my having to ask, "Did you like that story?" or make excuses about how it wasn't just right (because you know when you do that, no person is going to back away from saying, "Oh, don't worry. It was just awesome."). [Never make excuses about your writing. Ever. You can joke about your grammar, and you can even discuss why you think something works, but never make excuses.] One thing I'm working on is telling myself that I am awesome, which is different than arrogance. Arrogance would be telling myself that I am more awesome than all of you. My level of awesome should not depend on another's lack of awesome. I've started telling myself that I am awesome and I look awesome and my work is awesome. Doing this has helped me trust myself and my judgement a lot more, which has allowed me to do something else that I struggle with a lot.

I struggle with honesty. 

Now, I don't mean to say that I lie or am a chronic liar. Not at all. Except, that sometimes I omit certain truths in order to make my way through certain situations. It's what we all do on a daily basis to survive. I even lie to myself to help myself feel better. I won't tell people things sometimes because, well, I don't want them to think less of me or walk away from me because I'm not as awesome as they might think I am. 

Billy Joel's song (you can hear it above) says, "Honesty is such a lonely word." I find that to be mostly true. When you are honest, really honest, you are stripping down everything you put up to protect yourself. Lies, half-truth, quarter-truths---they are usually barriers to what you fear. Honesty is when you walk out from behind the castle walls with nothing on but a pretty floral bonnet, and if you push it, you probably need to drop the pretty floral bonnet too.

Honesty is lonely because it means you are bare and everyone (or who ever you bare yourself to) is staring at you. 

Sometimes it's just easier to keep your truth to yourself and spare yourself the imagined pain.

"Honesty Is Hardly Ever Heard:"

I often worry that people really don't want to hear your honesty either. The act of honest speaking scares them as much as it scares me. Maybe it's because when I reveal my own truth, that truth pushes them to also be truthful, which means they also have to drop their  own pretty floral bonnet. Sometimes, if you hear the truth, it is painful because it shows that you haven't hid your painfully ugly issues as well as you thought. It's easier (so we tell ourselves) to hide from those things you fear.

Notice how fear and dishonesty work together. 

I think fear and dishonesty twist because people say unkind things in the name of truth and honesty. I'm guilty of that. We mistake making unkind observations for honesty and truth. Honesty, at least as I've come to see it, should not be used as weaponry. I feel guilty for the times I have used it as such.

Jesus said something to the effect of "the truth shall set you free." I argue that the truth wielded as a sword to lop off the heads of those who make you angry is not exactly what He had in mind. 

When honesty becomes weaponry, it will not be heard as it should be heard. It will propagate fear, which will make people less likely to be honest. 

As a side note, I found a study done by, Honest Tea last summer. Apparently, I'm not the only one struggling with honesty. Go take a look and see how your city ranks in the Index. 

"Mostly What I Need from You:"

I've been working on being more open and honest, which means I'm working on fighting my fear as well. Writing this blog is part of this mission. That doesn't mean I'm going to tell all on these pages. I have people in my life who are probably relieved at this moment. What it means is that I will tell you more about how I struggle with everything. I'm not asking for pity or pats on the head or expecting you to tell me that I'm awesome and all will be well. 

I just need to be open. 

I'm also working on this in my relationships. This probably means that I will have friends who get surprised by me on occasion (although if you've known me long enough, not much should surprise you at this point). What I'm finding is by being bare with my friends, I'm allowing them to see me as me, and they love me (unless you all are lying to me) despite all my many flaws (once again, no one better make comments that indicate that you are patting me on my head---I'm not fishing for compliments here).

Mostly what I need from you (all of you, my beloved million readers) is for you to respond and be as open. I guess what I'm saying is that I need open dialogue, and I feel I need to be  less afraid about what is going on in my mind and in my heart.

Let's see how my mission goes...