"Life's Too Short to Waste Time"

A Confession or Two

There are a few things I want to confess as we begin this post. First, I originally promised myself that I would not post stuff about my dating life. I didn't want to use this forum to whine and moan over being single. I've been single for a long time now. I'm ok about that for the most part. Wait, rephrase, I can live with being single for the most part. Ok may be too strong a word. The point is, I didn't want to make this blog something that all you millions of readers look at and say, "Oh, Jess is flailing around about how she's single and and lonely again." Anyway, now I'm about to break that original promise. I would have continued my silence in this matter, but the story I'm going to share is just too funny. 

Secondly, I confess to having joined a dating website, OKCupid  last week. I did this because a couple of people mentioned it as some place where they'd met some pretty cool guys who weren't axe murderers or head cases. This is a big deal to me because I'm sort of terrified of online dating services. I have this overwhelming feeling that I'm going to be the user who draws the axe murderer who has been hiding on the site for years under the name "sweetgeorgiaboy" and who has been waiting for someone just like me to add to his list of women hidden beneath his staircase at home. Anyway, I like OkCupid because I can talk to people without having to pay a fee (there is nothing more frustrating than joining a dating website that is supposed to be free and then discovering to communicate with prospective dates, you have to pay a fee. Why should I have to pay a fee to talk to a stranger?)

"hello I'm bobby care to talk"

This evening, I got a message from this guy calling himself "bobby." He wrote a quick note, "hello I'm bobby care to talk".  Now, in all fairness, I generally am not motivated to talk to people who can't do basic grammar, but I figured he was using a phone and maybe he was a bit shy. So I messaged him back and told him that I'd talk to him. The conversation was a bit stilted at first. I'd write fluid answers worthy of a writer, and he'd write single sentence answers written as though Captain Caveman were behind the keyboard. 

First he was curious about my size (I reference this as one of the first things people usually notice about me): "What do you mean people notice your size?" he asked. This was interesting to me because (1) it was the first time he actually used punctuation in his writing and (2) it immediately made me nervous (I struggled with mentioning my size in the first place, but decided that honesty was in order. I'm now questioning my sanity in this decision). 

He admitted to liking women under 5'3". I asked him, "Why do you prefer women under 5'3"? There isn't a huge population of us around." Of course, in my head, I'm immediately thinking of all the reasons some guy (who is 6'3") really likes women my size. Now, before all of my beautiful over 6 ft guy friends who read this come crashing in and defending your love for us smallish girls, let me remind you that I love you and know that that many of you have wonderful, loving, sweet, and understandable reasons why you think we are awesome. We are perfectly awesome. Still, when I read that, I heard Jim Kirk in my head raising all systems to yellow alert. (I'll bet Jim Kirk likes small women too...wait...he likes all women...nevermind). I think it was the specificity of his comment. I immediately thought to myself that he must like us because he felt like he had more power over a small woman. 

His response: "Idk maybe I find taller women intimidating" (back to no punctuation).

The man is 6'3" and finds women taller than 5'3" intimidating?! Really? Really?! Has this man never been with a woman smaller than 5'3"? Has he never faced the wrath of an angry under-five-foot? Does he think smaller women are easier to control?

God help this poor man.

At this point I probably should have just said something over the top mean and blocked him, but I had time to kill before Grimm, and I was bored, so I kept the conversation going. 

He wants to know what I'm looking for on okcupid, which is pretty much like asking "What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?" By now, I've read his profile, and he, like most of the guys on the site are looking for a "woman who is affectionate, honest, and has a loving heart." Let's focus on being honest here because, hey, that's what he's looking for, right?!

I said up front that I wasn't looking for anything serious. 

Soon, however, it became obvious that my definition of "serious" and his definition of "serious" were miles away from one another (damned connotation). 

He jumps to "I'm going to be honest, I'm misunderstood a lot. [could be your run-on sentences, m'dear] What I'm looking for is an loving honest open mate" 

I'm learning that "loving honest open mate" usually means "I want to sleep with you as soon as possible. Hope you understand and don't care about building a real relationship."

He goes on: "When ever I describe what I'm looking for in a relationship and I get to the part about the physical part of a relationship, women somehow get the impression that its all I'm interested in" 

I asked him to explain misunderstood, and then observed that it sounded like he was looking for a wife. I then gently explained that I was not interested in getting married. 

Sidebar [not said to 'bobby']: Now when I say I'm not interested in getting married, let me make it perfectly clear at this point that marriage is not something I don't think about. Being married again could be good. It might even be the best thing ever. Who knows? What I do know [and this is what I said to him] is if I married again, it would only be if the guy was someone who totally knocked me off my feet, took my breath away, and was absolutely someone who I wanted to be with the rest of my life. I'm not saying that I want a perfect man. There are no perfect people (chose that word purposefully). David Tennant is married anyway (joking, joking--David, if you're reading this [doubtful], I wish you and your beautiful bride all the best). Anyway, I'm not looking for the perfect man or mate or whatever. I just want to be happy and my mate to be happy.End of sidebar

It's then we see where his being "misunderstood" begins. He replies, "Okay number one I am not looking for a wife a lot of women are uncomfortable with a live in long term relationship but that's what I'm seeking to start out with" 

Uh. What?! Let's rewind this a minute... "that's what I'm seeking to start out with"

I know. This is the place where I should have stopped the conversation. It's obvious that he is a man who in search of something very different than what I can offer him. Instead, I took upon myself to clarify why women my age (but I meant  women with any sense at all) misunderstand what he wants. I explained that most women my age are cautious at best and aren't going to just move in with a guy they've just met. He, however, continued the discussion with reasoning that a physical relationship is important or the two people involved are just friends.

Friendship is usually where good relationships start, bud. Just saying. He then told me that "life's too short to waste time."

After that, it became clear, as my friend Thomas later observed, that "bobby" was thinking he was a lion and I was a wildebeest on the arid plains of okcupid. What he didn't count on is me turning him down and making him justify himself for me. I had to tell him twice more that I wasn't the girl he was looking for [he failed the nerd test I planted in that statement too...he didn't laugh at my Jedi mindtrick joke...]. He told me he was sad to see me leave the conversation as I was an "exciting and challenging woman." It's good to know I can evoke those feelings with guys. 

He did say that he'd have liked to take me to dinner and have face-to-face time. He felt that most women cut off that part too early and there was no way to figure out if we had chemistry. It's sad that he doesn't get that he's killing himself right in front of women who might date him if he'd dial it back from eleven. 

"Life's Too Short to Waste Time"

I am in my mid-forties. I totally get how some people get this attitude of not wanting to waste time growing into a relationship, physical or otherwise. It's hard to be alone. It's hard to wait and be patient to grow into a relationship or to find one at all. One of the things he kept pushing in the conversation was that moving in was a perfect solution because (a) it meant everyone was in one place, so no dashing between houses and (b) if the relationship didn't work, no harm, foul, or legal ties.

As Amanda observed, this guy must have been burned badly.

I have to flip this around a bit though. Life is  too short to waste time and jump into living with someone you only barely know only to have to leave the situation in a few months. Life is too short not to want to take your time and end up with something better that will be long term.

Interesting AND Educational

So I told Amanda that while this conversation was disturbing, it was interesting (he kept me engaged for an entire hour) and educational. I felt like I learned a few important things here:

• My word definitions are sometimes different from others. Clarity is important, particularly when discussing relationships. "Serious" to you may not be reflective of "serious" to your conversation partner. Ask questions and be clear. 

• I know more what I want than I first thought, and I'm able to express those wants pretty clearly, even if the conversant in question doesn't want to acknowledge those desires.

•  If I guy says he's looking for a loving open relationship, he's probably looking for something sexual. That's ok, but not if that's not what you want, that's ok too.

I'm not sure if I'm going to continue this "little experiment." Who knows? It might be fun to have one "OkCupid" post a week here, just for the comic value. Life's too short to waste time not laughing about this stuff.